Abduction Prevention
The best way to keep your children safe is through preparation, healthy communication, and establishing an atmosphere of trust and support. Abduction is not common and families don’t need to live in fear of these crimes, but it’s important to empower yourselves and your children through preparation and safety rules, paying attention to your surroundings, and being cautious.
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Our Personal Safety and Community Awareness Program (PSCA) provides FREE prevention education both online and in person across Sarasota County for children, caregivers, and professionals who work with youth. Over 20 workshops are available, including custom workshops to best fit your needs.
When most people hear the word abduction, their minds immediately go to the big, scary scenarios we see on TV or in movies, but that is not the reality in most cases.
Our Personal Safety and Community Awareness program defines abduction as being taken from the person or place you belong. That definition is very intentional. We also do not revolve these conversations around the idea of strangers — in fact, we prefer not to use the word ‘stranger’ at all and instead focus on strange, tricky, or unsafe people and behaviors, as abduction most often involves someone the child knows (including custody related situations).
Let’s start with three core safety rules:
Check First and Stick With the Plan.
If the plan is that mom is picking you up from soccer and someone else shows up, kids need to check with their grownup before leaving.
Trust Your Gut.
If something feels off, trust that feeling. Helping your child to recognize strange, tricky, or unsafe behaviors will give them more confidence to trust their instincts.
Be Aware, Not Afraid.
The goal is awareness, not fear. Abduction is not common, but knowing your safety rules and paying attention to your surroundings matters.
Empowering your family through these conversations and practices doesn’t have to be overwhelming — you are already off to a great start with your three core safety rules! Now it’s time to create a clear safety plan so your kids know exactly who is allowed to pick them up from school, activities, and practices, as well as how to handle when something unexpected comes up.
A safety plan will look different for every family, so it’s important to develop a plan that makes sense and feels good for your family’s needs. Here are some examples of what to include in your plan:
It shifts the focus from the stranger danger idea of, “Do you know this person?” to “Does this person deserve your trust?” It’s about focusing on behaviors, not familiarity. Through this lens, that could mean people your child expected to trust can turn out to be the “bad guys.” -Cleveland Clinic
The vast majority of crimes against children, including abduction or abuse, are committed by people the child knows. Because of this, we steer away from the traditional teachings of “stranger danger” and instead educate children and families on recognizing unsafe behaviors and how those can mean someone is being an unsafe person. These unsafe behaviors can be done by people we don’t know at all, people we know very well, and anyone in between.
An unsafe person might try to gain a child’s trust and friendship, confuse the child, or find ways of controlling the child through fear, guilt, or other manipulative tactics. Here are some examples of strange, tricky, and unsafe behaviors (commonly called “red flags”) a person might use:
- Keeping secrets. Adults shouldn’t ask kids to keep secrets from their parents. Kids can have a hard time distinguishing between secrets and surprises- learn about secrets vs. surprises and how to explain this to your child.
- Asking for help or offering bribes. Safe grownups ask other grownups to help them, not kids. If an adult needs directions, has lost an animal, is carrying lots of groceries, or needs any other kind of help, they should be asking other adults for help. A safe grownup also shouldn’t offer gifts, toys, treats, money, or any kind of reward to get a child to do or not do something. These tricky behaviors can be difficult for kids to identify, as helping and sharing nice things is something we do with our friends. Here’s a helpful scenario to use:
If a fisherman were to throw a plain hook into the water, would the fish be tempted? NO WAY! They would say, “THAT’S A HOOK! That looks dangerous!”
So instead the fisherman uses bait. This bait is there to lure in the fish and cover up the hook so the fish will be fooled into biting the hook and getting stuck. Unsafe people are a lot like fishermen because they use bait to cover an unsafe situation and make kids forget their safety rules. Bait can be things like candy, puppies, an iPhone, or another special treat, but the most common bait for kids is being asked to help an adult or feeling like they can’t say no. So, if someone says, “Hey kid, I need your help! You look so strong and I could use your help carrying this to my car,” the safety rules still apply. You say no and find another grownup. You can always bring that grownup back with you in case this person really needs help.
- Changing the routine. If someone else comes to pick your kid up, have them follow your family’s established safety plan. Establish routines for things like school pick up and create a plan for if/when someone new needs to pick up your child. Many families use a special code word specifically to be used by people who are allowed to give your child a ride. Teach your child not to get in the car with anyone who didn’t give them the code word, even if it’s someone they’ve met before (like a neighbor or a friend’s parent). Other families have a rule that if someone different is picking them up, the driver needs to video call their parents so they can tell their child that it’s okay to accept the ride.
- Getting mad. Safe grownups do not get mad at kids for following rules or asking for help.
- Crossing boundaries or not listening to their ‘NO.’ Your child is in charge of who gets to touch them and where. If your child says no to a hug, holding hands, tickling etc. and an adult tries to insist or tries to break The Touching Rule, that is strange and unsafe behavior. Reinforce No-Go-Tell.
- Getting too personal. Teach kids that most grownups don’t need information like their address, who their teacher is, or what park they like to go to on the weekends.
- Making threats. Some unsafe adults threaten to harm a child’s family if they don’t do what they ask or keep something secret, or they may try to convince your child that their parents will be angry or upset if they speak out. Make sure your child knows that they do not need to protect you, that they can always come to you for anything, and that they will never be in trouble for telling you a secret.
- Grooming. Many potential abductors and abusers use grooming tactics to gain the trust of and better access to a child. Get the Facts About Grooming from RAINN, the nation’s largest anti-sexual violence organization and operator of the National Sexual Assault Hotline.
Keep in mind that your child may encounter strange, tricky, and unsafe people and behavior both in person AND online. Kids need to understand that these same rules apply online as well as in real life. Make online safety a priority in your household.
- Never leave your children alone in a car or stroller.
- Do not visibly write your children’s name on their clothing, jewelry, backpacks, or toys. Children tend to trust adults who know their names.
- Notice when someone pays extra or undue attention to your children, even if it is a family member or friend.
- Make sure custody documents are in order.
- Know who your children’s friends are and keep a list of their parent’s names and phone numbers.
- Encourage your children to communicate their feelings. Don’t dismiss or belittle any fear or concern they have, whether it’s real or imaginary. Your child should always feel safe and welcome to tell you their worries or any secrets.
- Develop code words for caregivers other than mom or dad and remind your kids never to tell anyone the code word. Teach them not to ride with anyone they don’t know or with anyone who doesn’t know the code word (or to video call you to make sure it’s okay to accept the ride).
- If you’ve arranged ahead of time for someone else to pick up your kids from school or daycare, discuss the arrangements beforehand with your kids and with the school or childcare center.
- Role-play with your children: help them practice what to do if they are alone and are approached by someone who is exhibiting strange behavior (such as asking them over to their house, asking them for help, offering them some kind of treat, saying the child’s parents asked them to pick the child up but they don’t know the family’s code word, etc).
- Teach your children to look for a police officer, store employee, or mother with children to assist them if they become lost. If you’re in a store, teach them to go to a checkout counter/security office/lost and found and quickly tell the person in charge that they’ve lost their mom or dad and need help finding you.
- Always keep a current photo of your children.
- Have your children fingerprinted and keep the cards in a safe place. Many local police departments sponsor fingerprinting programs.
- Know where to obtain your children’s dental and medical records.
- When your children are traveling, know the license plate number of the vehicle they are traveling in, who they will be with, where they are going, which route they plan to take, and what time they should be expected to return.
- Choose caregivers — babysitters, childcare providers, and nannies — carefully and check their references.
- Many potential abductors and abusers use grooming tactics to gain the trust of and better access to a child. Get the Facts About Grooming from RAINN, the nation’s largest anti-sexual violence organization and operator of the National Sexual Assault Hotline.
- Make online safety a priority. Be aware of your kids’ online activities and chat room “friends,” and remind them never to give out personal information. Avoid posting identifying information or photos of your kids online.
Get further guidance on Abduction Prevention with KidSmartz, a child safety program through the National Center for Missing & Exploited Children that educates families about preventing abduction and empowers kids in grades K-5 to practice safer behaviors. This program offers resources to help parents, caregivers, and teachers protect kids by teaching and practicing personal safety rules using classroom lessons, at-home lessons, parent tips, and fun printable activities.
- Conduct a search: your home, neighborhood, nearby schools, shopping centers, friends’ homes, and social networking accounts.
- Call your local police. Remember, there is no waiting period to report a person as missing!
- Provide the police with a recent photograph of your child.
- Provide the police with your child’s fingerprint card, dental, and medical records.
- Be as prepared as you can with information like your child’s current height, weight, eye color, hair color, and the clothing they were most recently seen wearing.
Parental abductions are often the act of a broken marriage or the accumulation of events that follow a divorce or separation. The best way to prevent a parental abduction is to establish a good relationship with your children and their other parent. Assure your children that you will always want to be with them. Make sure they know how to call you or contact you if they are taken on a trip without your permission or told they aren’t allowed to see you. Teach your children your address and telephone number, including the area code, and how to dial the telephone.
Possible warning signs that a former spouse or partner may be considering parental abduction:
- Having few ties to the community, an ability to move or work elsewhere easily, or ties to friends and family living in another state/country.
- Making threats about what will happen if you do not agree to reconcile.
- Being angry or resentful of the custody arrangement.
- Violating or ignoring the custody arrangement on a regular basis.
- Threatening to take the children.